Yesterday started out a normal day, except that I made myself swear not to make my usual stop at the Starbucks in Tysons Galleria. I know it's still bad for me even though I always order decaf. The sugar content alone in those drinks are probably enough to trigger side effects.
Come lunchtime, I decided to walk over to the mall to grab a sandwich, something that I have done on an almost daily basis for a year now with no issues whatsoever. Imagine my surprise when I barely made it to my lobby and started feeling like I need to catch my breath. Refusing to stop, I continued through the footbridge that connects my building to the mall and tried to walk as slowly as I could to prevent feeling worse. I reached a point in the footbridge where there was no turning back, and the only way I could go was forward, because there was nowhere for me to stop and sit to catch my breath. I did the only thing I could, which was to keep walking, while leaning against the wall, praying both that no one would walk past me to see me, and praying that someone would walk past to see me just in case I passed out. Surprisingly, I managed to catch myself in that thought process and was able to laugh about it. Then it dawned on me: I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was leaning against the wall as I walked toward the mall, and what's this? I wasn't panicking? The entire thing was so foreign to me, that I almost panicked that I wasn't panicking. Yes, completely absurd, I know. But for years I have been conditioned to expect my mind and my body to react a certain way to certain stimuli that it almost bothered me that I wasn't so predictable anymore. That panic, though, quickly turned into a sense of relief and appreciation when I realized that this was exactly what I had been aiming for all this time: a break in the cycle of panic. For once, I could feel sensations of shortness of breath and it could stay just shortness of breath instead of morphing into this full-blown panic attack where I am scared I am going to pass out and die because no one finds me in time. Pretty big victory if you ask me.
Still, the shortness of breath was severe enough for me to want to at least see my doctor and rule out anything serious caused the Lopressor and discuss whether I needed to increase the dosage or stop taking it altogether. His primary concern when I got there was making sure that it wasn't a pulmonary embolism. When everything checked out okay, he basically gave me 2 options: to continue taking the Lopressor or to stop taking it. He definitely seemed to think that the shortness of breath could be blamed on the beta blocker and said that it was up to me which symptoms I felt needed the more management. If I continued taking the Lopressor, the palpitations and anxiety stopped but the compromise was having to deal with the shortness of breath, which is a well-known side effect. On the other hand, if the shortness of breath was too much for me, I could stop taking the Lopressor and choose instead to experience the palpitations and anxiety, at least until I deliver.
Ultimately, I decided that the absolute worst symptom to have is the panic attacks. And the palpitations trigger the panic attacks. Taking the Lopressor already showed me that I was capable of feeling short of breath (another thing that used to trigger a panic attack before) without having that sense of panic creep up on me. So I'm still on the Lopressor and just trying to take it easy until the end of the pregnancy. Thanks to my wonderful husband who helps out around the house so I don't have to.
My doctor also seems confident that after the pregnancy, the beta blocker therapy might work even better, since I won't have all the extra demands on my body. And he doesn't think that beta blockers are something that I will need to be on everyday at that point. According to him, we just need the medication to block the negative feedback loop that my body has been caught up in for so long. Once we've done that, he's hopeful that I can be panic free without medication. Which is really, really comforting. This is something that I have been thinking about and shooting for for so long. It's nice to know that my doctor is in agreement and is willing to help get me there.
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